The Temperament of Certain Apes and a Shark

As cute as you might think monkeys are, they’re evil little bastards.  They’ll steal your stuff, beat you with it, and run off.  They’ll beg you for food, only to bite your hand when you try to give them some.  They don’t care that you just want to hang out with them.  You are not a monkey and that is offensive to them.  Also, they smell like fecal catastrophe.

Gorillas, on the other hand, are chill.  A gorilla knows that he could rip your limbs off if he wanted to, and he’s secure in this knowledge.  So long as you don’t piss him off, he’ll let you do as you wish.  If you play your cards right, he’ll even learn sign language just to tell you how much cooler than you he is.

The whale shark, too, is a rad guy.  He’s so big that you are insignificant in comparison.  Wanna swim next to him?  No problem!  You can join the veritable army of fishes that use him as an express train system.  Just be careful not to get in front of him; that gaping maw sucks in everything that happens to be in his path.

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Thursday, January 6th, 2011 Thoughts No Comments