Archive for January, 2011
“So, Nicole,” he said, turning back to his cooking, “Why were you outside my door?”
With His Knife
“I was going to visit a friend.” He considered this.
“Your friend lives in this building?”
“Yeah, down the hall.”
“Will she be worried?”
“What?” Nicole asked.
“Your friend. Wasn’t she expecting you?”
“Oh, right. I should hurry on over.”
“I won’t keep you, then. Nice meeting you.”
“Nice meeting you,” she agreed, standing up, “Thanks for letting me use your bed.”
“Glad to help. Go see your friend.”
Someone was knocking on the door. Irritated, Anthony stood up, abandoning his lunch. Why did people always have to show up while he was in the middle of something?
“Yes?” he asked, pulling open the door, “What do you want?”
It was Nicole. Why was she here? She couldn’t have been gone for more than fifteen minutes.
“Nicole? I thought you went to see your friend.”
“I did,” said the girl, “But she wouldn’t answer the door, so then I tried calling her, and she didn’t answer that either! This has never happened to me before and now I don’t have anywhere to go and I don’t know what to do!” She was crying now.
“Do you want to come inside and tell me what happened?”
She sniffled. “Can I?”
Anthony stepped aside to let her pass. “Of course. Come in. Sit.”
The girl shuffled into the apartment and took a seat at the table. Anthony closed the door and sat across from her. “So, what’s wrong?”
Nicole fidgeted a bit. “Will you tell anyone?”
“You have to promise not to tell anyone.”
She hesitated for a moment. “I ran away from home.”
Anthony wasn’t sure what to say to this. He finally decided on, “Why?”
The girl looked at him helplessly. “It’s not safe there.”
He waited for a clarification but none came. “Why do you say that?”
- Her step-father raped her.
- Her mother is a serial killer.
- She’s afraid that the police might find her.
- The house is trying to kill her.
As cute as you might think monkeys are, they’re evil little bastards. They’ll steal your stuff, beat you with it, and run off. They’ll beg you for food, only to bite your hand when you try to give them some. They don’t care that you just want to hang out with them. You are not a monkey and that is offensive to them. Also, they smell like fecal catastrophe.
Gorillas, on the other hand, are chill. A gorilla knows that he could rip your limbs off if he wanted to, and he’s secure in this knowledge. So long as you don’t piss him off, he’ll let you do as you wish. If you play your cards right, he’ll even learn sign language just to tell you how much cooler than you he is.
The whale shark, too, is a rad guy. He’s so big that you are insignificant in comparison. Wanna swim next to him? No problem! You can join the veritable army of fishes that use him as an express train system. Just be careful not to get in front of him; that gaping maw sucks in everything that happens to be in his path.